To speak openly of mental illness is one of the last great taboos. Not to speak of treatment, of therapies, of medication, doctors, hospitals—not to speak of the industry that has been in existence for but a century, but to speak of the people themselves. Of their inner and outer lives, and the way in which these boundaries melt, of the way in which their illness subverts our understanding of what both reality and relationship mean. It takes an unfathomable courage to wade into the murky waters of the mind, into places that have been wounded and have become maladapted over time, into places few dare to tread for fear of losing themselves in the quagmire that goes beyond the rational mode of interpretation.
.
What few may understand is that mental illness is a shared state, affecting not only the person it befalls but those who walk in its wake. To stand before this illness and experience it in the flesh is to know a side to the sublime that few can truly grasp, a kind of shadow being that has cast its hand upon the earth. Many who live with it, or live in its presence have become silenced by its reach, fearing not only external judgment but the implications of sharing in its path. So much is unknown, untold, misunderstood, misdiagnosed. So much is dehumanized by fear, by shame, and by the system itself. It is for this reason that we are blessed to have artists like Joshua Lutz who bring profound and painful truths to us in the form of art so that we as a people may both meditate on and mediate the space where few dare to share with the world.
.
Hesitating Beauty, which runs April 11–May 18 at ClampArt, NY, is a study of Lutz’s experiences living with a mother suffering from schizophrenia. The nature of schizophrenia itself is not fully understood, but it is a detachment for our commonly-held perceptions of reality that drive the sufferer into a kind of psychosis few can comprehend on its own terms.
.
Blending family archives, interviews, and letters with Lutz’s photographs, “Hesitating Beauty” mirrors the disassociative and distorted qualities of the illness itself. What we accept as “reality” has been defined by the group, and anyone with even the slightest twinge of mental illness is aware of how slippery the slope is once we step away from the shared perception of “truth.” It is to Lutz’s credit that he lyrically conveys this dance with reality as it he experienced it firsthand. It comes back to photography, as it was the camera that he used to cope with the situation in which he lived.
.
Lutz reveals, “Are you ready for some true contradictions? Here is the thing: my relationship to photography keeps on changing. How it functions in my life and the role it plays continues to evolve even with the same subjects. As far as ‘Hesitating Beauty’ goes and the work involved in making it, there were times when I would photograph to simply put myself on the other side of the camera. To look at my mom, the crazy behavior I was seeing and to document it in some fashion probably prove to myself that I was not crazy. As long as the crazy was on the other side of the camera surely I couldn’t be loosing my mind.
.
“For so many years I thought I would get this illness. That I would grow up to have schizophrenia and need the medication and shock therapies that my mom was having. The camera and all that comes with it was this tool that functioned as a way to separate myself from the experience. In some respect it also just simply creating a task for me to do. Often I would dread the monotony of having to be a primary care giver. So for me it was this thing that I could do to pass the time. That sounds so horrible. ‘Spend time with you mom, you don’t need a camera,’ the little voice says.
.
“Well, that eventually did happen and as my relationship to photography changed. I did end up using it to look more closely. At some point I started to think about photography as a means to look at the world with a heightened sense of awareness. With that shift I was able to photograph in such a way that it wasn’t about passing the time or separating myself from the moment. For me it became more about being present to the situation regardless of how bad the situation was. To feel comfort in the love I had for my mom without wanting or grasping for some alternative outcome.”
.
It is here that we enter into Lutz’s world, a world where things are not as they seem, but love is that which holds us together through the stormy days. It is this understanding, compassion, and kindness that makes “Hesitating Beauty” so powerful. For as much as we consider the photographs as works of art, we must also consider them a private history made public in a way that challenges our assumptions about mental illness. Here Lutz asks that do not require answers so much as they offer the possibility of a new understanding that liberates all those who sufferer from the stigma imposed by the outside world.
.
First published in L’Oeil de la Photographie
November 12, 2014
.
All photos © Joshua Lutz